confession

i haven't been doing well in my classes. i flunked my first biochem test(57%) and got a 73% on my first molecular genetics exam. it's very disheartening when you read the material and study it and am able to answer previous test questions and can explain the concepts to others, and yet you don't do well on these exams because you didn't answer the questions exactly the way the instructor wanted them answered. i was so close to giving up. i was depressed for days and it's very difficult to explain the feelings of despair and worthlessness, although i know a few people that would understand. but i guess i'm too stubborn to give up, and i began studying differently. no more study groups and i became a bit of a social hermit. also, i just started to memorize all the little bits of information i possibly could and prayed that the information would stick. we just got our second set of tests back, and i've managed to bring my grades up in both classes. i got an 85 on the mol gen test so my avg is up to a 78, which is very close to a B. we have one more test, so i should be able to pass that class. as for biochem, i got a 78.8 and it brought my avg up to a 69 which is much closer to a B than i was before. actually, i'm hoping that if i can get my avg up to a 75 with the next 2 tests, that the curve will pull me up to a passing grade. (by the way, in grad school, passing is a B. ain't that a b!*@$.) anyways, why am i writing all this? i guess it just feels good to let it out. i haven't been wanting to say anything because i feel the weight of people's expectations, including my own. i'm in grad school, i'm supposed to be doing well, right? i expected to work hard, but i also expected that my hard work would pay off. it just doesn't seem to be the case. i thought after all these years, i would've figured out how to "study" the right way, but aparently not, and i'm still struggling as badly as i was in undergrad. it sucks to have to pull yourself up from the bottom, and it sucks even more when you're not able to do it in time. i'm slowly pulling myself up, and i just hope that the initial hole i dug isn't so deep that i can't get out of it. i have 2 more biochem tests and 1 more mol gen test. my quarter ends dec 9, and i have a lot of studying/memorizing to do until then, so this will be my last blog for a while.